Something about working with 95% women can make a person's head spin. There are things that I was perfectly prepared to deal with in middle school...but as an adult, they take me by surprise. Sometimes I feel for guys....sometimes. There is a certain subset of rules I have used through out my life and taught them to my children as well, (with varying success).....they are as follows.....

1. Know the rules
2. Follow the rules
3. Ask for help when you need it

I feel as though when things get sticky or you aren't sure if you just refer back to that list, you can negotiate your way through most situations.

Boy was I wrong. Chicks....women.....ladies...girls....etc. often expect mind reading over simply asking for help when needed. If I have a full patient assignment and my patients are tucked in and you are sinking or need help or whatever the effing hell....JUST ASK! If you don't ask, you can not then complain that I am unhelpful because I was freed up and you were slammed. I have no idea about your patients unless you tell me about them. I suppose I could ask but generally, I try to mind my own business. Mainly, because our department is chalk full of the layzeeeeees who will delegate all work to the float or anyone who makes eye contact...if eye contact is made. I try to avoid eye contact. Does that sound bad? Well, whatever. I'm not purposely going to do your work and my own.

Don't get me wrong....I am totally willing to jump in and help to improve patient care and outcomes but I am not willing to do your work because having a cigarette takes precedent over completing tasks. You can be mad about that and try to talk shit, but I will call you out on it and I won't take responsibility for your lackadaisical practice.

So, in the future, refer the above referenced lists and your shifts will go smoother and without all the tears and complaining. Less smoking....more working.

Certain Inalienable Truths

If you call the medics for the pressure in the 70s and the medics tell you your B/P cuff is broken....it probably is. If you still insist on sending your patient to us, I won't be able to help but openly mock you when I call to say her pressure is completely normal and I will be sending her back!

If you come to us for severe epigastric pain and insist you haven't used heroin in days, I will certainly let the doc know that your nostrils are rimmed in fresh cocaine.

If you were seen in our ER at 5am and you return at 11pm because you still can't sleep.....you will certainly have the fastest ER visit of your life.

If you come in with excruciating abdominal pain, doubled over and crying and I give you morphine....you should not ask me 4 seconds later when your next dose will be. If you do, I will definitely become suspicious and check your story against those of other ERs in the area. You will be discharged shortly thereafter, without incident, for drug seeking behavior.

If you come in for 'the worst headache of your life' and get a lumbar puncture and pain meds....we will all be super surprised to find out you have track marks on your spine because this schtick is how you score your fix!

Oh the tricksters have been out in full force but it is hard to outsmart us. At this point we have seen it all........ almost